Thursday, August 30, 2007

We the beleaguered …besieged and harassed….

Madame x lives in a nice neighborhood…. Not too fancy, not gated, no rolling lawns, but well kept and generally desired. It is a typical planned development with tract housing….. When Madame x’s husband got the brilliant idea to get married, luck befell them and their names mysteriously jumped to the very top of the waiting list for the very best house in the whole entire tract (about to begin construction). Madame x and husband were able to oversee all the details and soon happily moved into their new abode.

Enter the neighbors…. Across the street, the retired couple (way before WE were the retired couple)…. I refer to him as ‘Buttsniff’…. Because Buttsniff encouraged his Buttsniffing dogs to come over to our lawn to do their buttsniffing pooping……. I don’t know this for a fact, but there is no changing Madame x’s mind.

Next to Buttsniff, lived the “Diva and the Wimp” , She was the Diva because that actually was her real name, Deva… (no sh.t!) and the Wimp because he groveled around her like some kind of houseman and yammered his troubles to anyone within earshot. Soon the Diva tired of the Wimp and divorced him and they all moved away. That was it for awhile, until the neighbor on the other side of ‘Buttsniff’ filled his garage to capacity and not wanting to litter up his driveway, started parking his car in front of Madame x’s house…. For some reason, this chaps Madame x’s ass, so she has begun calling him Buttsniff also. Now, Madame x’s husband (who is not disturbed in the least by any of this) is confused about whom Madame x is referring when she is muttering profanities about Buttsniff.

The cruelest blow came upon Madame x’s retirement…. It seems the neighbors behind us have adopted two new dogs. Little yapping –excited-yapping –nervous- pacing- yapping dingo looking dogs. Any.little.noise.sets.these.psycho.circus canines into a frenzy of frantic barking….and it goes on and on and on for.ever. It is a good thing Madame x is leaving town and has a chance to become calmed and well rested before dealing with the ‘the owners of the dingo dogs’. Because, deal….she will.

Over the years, Madame x has learned many lessons in patience and good-will, she has strived to over-look minor annoyances and pet-peeves in order to maintain this good will and excellent rapport with the soon to be teenagers and their respective parents.

As Madame x’s husband reminds her (constantly) “We will set an example of good neighbor(ly) living”. And so, we do.

Inhale pink…….
Exhale blue….


Anonymous said...

All I can think of is "Maybe the dingo ate your baby!" (Insert accent. Are you a Seinfled fan?)

madame x said...

I've been catching Seinfeld and Will and Grace reruns...but didn't see the original shows.

Both are just classically funny with off the wall random nonsense.
I think I saw the Dingo one though.. Where the snooty lady was looking for her date?....Ha! maybe I should pitch an old dollie over the fence at frick and frack.

Jay said...

I live in an apartment complex and I swear I have fewer complaints about neighbors than people who live in the 'burbs.

I'm thinking a nice house right in the middle of a one square mile plot of land with only one road in would be perfect sometimes. Until I want a pizza delivered. ;-)

captain corky said...

My neighbors are ok for the most part except for the asshole next door that talks about his legal problems and his lawyer issues right outside our front door. Hopefully we'll be in a house not to long from now. I need new things to complain about. ;)

Anonymous said...

You should definitely complain to the city or someone about the dogs. At least to the people themselves, to give them a chance to correct the erring behavior, but if it doesn't change you should do something about it! Have Animal Control come pick them up. :)


Palm Springs Savant said...

lol that was pretty funny. very droll!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I went back and read you from the beginning of your blog since I had some time this weekend and saw that you are to be with M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E in Sept '07. Awww, fun. Can't wait to hear about Walt Disney World when you return if that all worked out!

pastorsbride said...

miss u!