Thursday, August 30, 2007

We the beleaguered …besieged and harassed….

Madame x lives in a nice neighborhood…. Not too fancy, not gated, no rolling lawns, but well kept and generally desired. It is a typical planned development with tract housing….. When Madame x’s husband got the brilliant idea to get married, luck befell them and their names mysteriously jumped to the very top of the waiting list for the very best house in the whole entire tract (about to begin construction). Madame x and husband were able to oversee all the details and soon happily moved into their new abode.

Enter the neighbors…. Across the street, the retired couple (way before WE were the retired couple)…. I refer to him as ‘Buttsniff’…. Because Buttsniff encouraged his Buttsniffing dogs to come over to our lawn to do their buttsniffing pooping……. I don’t know this for a fact, but there is no changing Madame x’s mind.

Next to Buttsniff, lived the “Diva and the Wimp” , She was the Diva because that actually was her real name, Deva… (no sh.t!) and the Wimp because he groveled around her like some kind of houseman and yammered his troubles to anyone within earshot. Soon the Diva tired of the Wimp and divorced him and they all moved away. That was it for awhile, until the neighbor on the other side of ‘Buttsniff’ filled his garage to capacity and not wanting to litter up his driveway, started parking his car in front of Madame x’s house…. For some reason, this chaps Madame x’s ass, so she has begun calling him Buttsniff also. Now, Madame x’s husband (who is not disturbed in the least by any of this) is confused about whom Madame x is referring when she is muttering profanities about Buttsniff.

The cruelest blow came upon Madame x’s retirement…. It seems the neighbors behind us have adopted two new dogs. Little yapping –excited-yapping –nervous- pacing- yapping dingo looking dogs. Any.little.noise.sets.these.psycho.circus canines into a frenzy of frantic barking….and it goes on and on and on for.ever. It is a good thing Madame x is leaving town and has a chance to become calmed and well rested before dealing with the ‘the owners of the dingo dogs’. Because, deal….she will.

Over the years, Madame x has learned many lessons in patience and good-will, she has strived to over-look minor annoyances and pet-peeves in order to maintain this good will and excellent rapport with the soon to be teenagers and their respective parents.

As Madame x’s husband reminds her (constantly) “We will set an example of good neighbor(ly) living”. And so, we do.

Inhale pink…….
Exhale blue….

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Wine Country

Early Friday morning we are headed to Northern CA….via our uber gas-guzzling, non-green, ‘get out m’way’ big ass car. Well, the registration sez it's a truck, but Madame x's a car.
It is also pretty darn comfortable driving and we don’t have to go thru a TSA line, half dressed, with six hundred dollars worth of make up crammed into a one quart baggie. Or put up with a surly flight attendant who is sick to death of the job, and the weary masses of demanding souls trying to get to an urgent destination on an overbooked flight.

Madame x has waned of late in accompanying her husband to the races…but she always agrees to this particular race. Smack in the middle of a heavenly little valley of thousand year old stately oak trees and row after row of brand new grapes… The restaurants, the vineyards, the Spas all outdoing each other in excellence…. The weather is delicious and the town folk friendly and accommodating.

I may or may not get a post in tomorrow. If not, I’ll see all you working stiffs in another ten days. At any rate, I’m sending a postcard to this guy while in Calistoga….. Maybe you can send him one from your county.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Watering Cans and Lawn Ornaments

Another 'toy made in China' is recalled: the Robbie Duckie Watering Can is going off the shelf..

Madame x mutters to herself "these suckers should have been recalled for the blatant ugliness ".

Madame x's husband reminds her of the Lawn Goose ornament story. Whereas, Madame x and her husband wandered about the Iowa countryside and marveled at all the cement garden geese, dressed in real clothing folks!.... Every type of garb a goose could imagine.. But, alas it was race season in Knoxville, Iowa.

The majority of these cement statuettes were dressed in black & white checkered bikini's......topped with a modest sunbonnet. Stopping in a charming little antique store, the proprietor (a lovely woman name Myrna) proudly displayed her most prized items for sale....yes....outfits for your Garden/Lawn Goose. Madame x would have documentation of this fact, had her computer not crumped last month...all evidencery photos gone. But Mx did find this on line for you. Go Here or Here

take that! ....................................................and............ that!

Upon returning to the lovely bed and breakfast 'home away from home' where a nice couple charged a ( modest fee) for four days .... Madame x lamented to the breakfast group her discovery of these goofy aberrations for sale. Elegant in her ridicule and sarcasm and on a verbal roll, it was a small tap on the knee from Madame x's husband that made her stop mid-sentence. The young wife across the table, 'blurted out "Where exactly is this shop?" So eager to get there, she literally begged her husband to take her immediately, thereby interrupting a fabulous breakfast feast. There was no doubt, Myrna the shopkeeper was going to have a good sales day.

Madame X thought she had since learned tolerance toward all things in the garden. Obviously, Robbie Duckie set off a latent prejudice.

She repents.

So Iowa, Ohio, Indiana.... knock yourselves out...just be safe out there.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Whatever do you mean?

What is happening, that all of a sudden my life is so much busier that I’m retired.... than when I was...not...retired?
When I am the most behind ... with too much to do before leaving town... and I have exactly 15 minutes to get to my destination 20 minutes away
Why is it that , the door bell rings.
Where is it written that I must not politely close the door on the two nice looking young men wearing white short sleeves and black ties... gripping in their ‘eager to share paws’, a copy of the
Wait for it.....
Watchtower Magazine.

Do I pray? (they inquire)
Huh? (I reply)
How do you pray? (they again inquire)
Uh, uh... well lets see........
Dear God, please don’t let there be a chain smoker sitting in front of me at the red neck races this week –end... yeah yeah yeah I mean amen... no wait....

Dear God, please let the black pants I plan to wear to the play next Tues, fit. The ones, I’m NOT trying on because they might not fit.
Yeah that! I mean amen.... no wait

Dear God, never mind the black pants.. Please don’t let a really, really tall guy that moves his head constantly side to side sit in front of me at the play next Tues. hallelujah! I mean amen.

Oh and let there be world peace..... for now and ever.... and I mean amen

so it is written

Friday, August 24, 2007

Worst and Best

We're home briefly (to oversee the rental house repairs and check in on Dad) then on the road again....

This is the worst picture, of all the gazillion pictures I took.. notice the lovely rock...which is in perfect focus.

This...however... is the best picture I took (for so many reasons)

***the weather was freezing *** the entire time

Boat drinks*

Waitress we need twelve more boat drinks

I think we got cabin fever.....Somebody sound the alarm
This photo was taken on the last day of vacation

and I think it is amazingly focused


*song and lyrics courtesy of Jimmy Buffett

Monday, August 13, 2007


Madame x goes dark for ten days.... I'd take the laptop, but alas no internet cafes in the great northern wilderness....besides, the beauty booth takes an awful lot of room :)

why bother with beauty supplies, you ask?

Because Madame x's husband was promised serious bribes (of a private and personal nature)
to make up for the wallpaper incident....therefore, Madame x must look her best

Cheers everyone

Sunday, August 12, 2007


Twelve hours peeling off wallpaper ... the damn stuff must have
been put on with Rhino Glue...

I wanted to take a photo of the ensuing mess of water and little
bits of paper debris everywhere, not to mention the sweaty brow
of madame x’s husband... but his

look gave me pause.

He’d like to get his hands on the asshat that put that stuff all the hell over
the laundry and bathroom walls twenty years ago.

Oh wait.... that was me.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Will Call...

We will be leaving next week for what amounts to a months worth of vacation.
First to the beautiful wilds of Canada for fishing and general good times with some wonderful friends.

Upon arriving home we just about have time to repack and head out for eight days of ‘Dirt Track’ racing.... in Northern California. Madame x's husband loves this stuff.....

I thought it would be a fun time to take two days and drive into San Francisco to see a play and have a nice meal.....


But... when he got the racing tickets?.....

JUST KIDDING FOLKS!..... madame x's husband really looks like this....

and he adores a night in the city, seeing some good theatre

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Wasted Day....... and a Worthy Cause

Yesterday I only had time to comment on one post before I headed to the hospital for a medical test. A ridiculously long test requiring Madame x to lie very very still for long periods of time as a giant space ship hovered over her with about 1 inch of breathing space. If I have your sympathy and attention.....I bring you this

If you are so inclined to contribute to a worthy cause...besides your own families health and welfare, this is a good one.... It is about the children. I will just copy and paste my niece’s description as she says it best. I will tell you that my niece is an attorney in LA and she is ‘good people’. I haven’t truly researched to see if the money actually gets to the intended children, but I believe KT has an honorable group of friends and that it will.

From KT's blog: Share our Strength, an organization that works to end childhood hunger in America and the organization that put on the recent Taste of the Nation event, is bringing you a new way to contribute to the cause.The Great American Bake Sale is a campaign to get people to host bake sales in their community to raise money to aid children at risk of hunger.This is a way to contribute for those of us who may not have $100 to pay for a food festival, but may be rich in friends and neighbors who like to eat (and who doesn't, really?)

click HERE TO read about it and DONATE or click here to donate directly (thanks to Em)

Thanks Em!

Leave a dollar or's easy... it's fun... it isn't fattening

So ends the PSA.... and THANK YOU THANK YOU for reading..... and maybe even donating..

Madame x

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Weighing in.....

We are at the end of the strawberry season here in California but I thought (out of curiosity) I would do a little price comparison. Just in case I
wanted to start watching my nickels and dimes..

First up, is Von’s (formerly Safeway for you NorCal folk). These strawberries come from Watsonville. Watsonville is the artichoke capitol of the WORLD folks… but they have nice strawberries too. They come prepackaged in plastic see-through, well you know, boxes and are 3.49 a lb. Each pkg is a lb.
Albertson's, on the other hand offers the same 1lb pkg from ‘Central Ca’ for 3.99 a lb...I haven't been able to shop at Albertson's (even if they were to suddenly get cheaper) since 1990 when my grandmother tripped over some plastic tarp in their store and made me promise to 'never step foot in their door again'... I think she wanted a life time annuity and a new car for her pain and suffering and they declined. She ended up with a little settlement though, well actually a pretty hefty check. Probably why their prices are higher and why I'll 'never step foot in their door again'. She was a rascal that one, someone you don't want falling down in your store...
sorry-back on topic
Trader Joe’s (Proudly supporting the arts, one chalkboard at a time) only carried the extra large gourmet organic w/stems at $5.00 a pkg which holds about seven beautiful strawberries

And last….the local Farmer’s roadside stand. $9.00 a flat… Not as pretty as peak season, as you can see by the photo, but so big and fat and heavy you can hardly carry the things to the car. Twice the amount of strawberries for less than half the price.

btw: Corky I'm not really stealing your 'food' topic...this was really in my 99 year blog plan. Really.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Worn Out

Migraines...what do they look like?

They can ruin a week-end ...that's for sure

Found this on the web.... as I was trying to get some new info re: the dreaded migraine.
This is
Mark Fitzgerald's vision (of his aura) at the onset of a migraine.So amazing to me, because
this is what I see.... only mine is a bright pink superglowing blob. Pink isn't even a good word....Magenta....a pulsating, glowing, neon Magenta blob. When I see this blob, I know what is coming.... Oh God.

I haven't found any new information.... but these are some of my own ideas about my migraines.
1. They are not 'cyclic'... the only cycling I do is on an exercise machine and I actually don't do that either.

2. They don't seem to be food related. As in, Chocolate, Cheese, Wine.....the big three of the migraine culprits....

3. Stress? maybe... who knows. We all tend to make our own stress, outside factors only exacerbate what makes us anxious.

4. For some reason, I feel quilty getting them, as if I caused them somehow. As if I'm being melodramatic with the throwing-up and sleep of the dead. As if I'm looking for attention .

5. Pity the poor husband standing by, especially when he wants to do something for you....and you just want to be left a dark room....with four pillows on your head.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Word for the Day

Doppleganger: (DOP-uhl-gang-er) noun
A ghostly counterpart or double of a living person.
[From German, literally a double goer.]

I was reading the label on a prepackaged deli item when I first felt her stare. I glanced up but she quickly looked away. The next encounter happened two aisles later coming from opposite directions – she hesitated slightly as we passed, as if she wanted to say something to me.

Finally, four more aisles down the road and there in front of the instant oatmeal I decided to end her misery (for all the furtive glances) and I offered an encouraging ‘Hi’.

Good Googa Mooga! The verbal floodgates sprang open with an outpouring of multiple ‘Oh my Goshes’ It seems I am the EXACT (right down to the haircut) …spitting image of her cousin Kathy Jean who lives in Canada.
It did peak my interest though, as I slowly backed away. Oddly enough, this happened to me once before about fifteen years ago. A saleslady in a boutique was astounded at how much I looked, acted and even talked like her best friend. What are the odds...that there are two people in this world that look EXACTLY like me?

So, Kathy Jean: if you’re reading this…. Send a photo, especially if you are tall and thin… I'd like to see how I'd look

Tall and Thin

FYI: 179 years from now,on this day ... - Kevin Thomas Riley, Tasvennir, Tarsus IV (Star Trek) will be born 8-5-2186

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Weekly World Journal … Hasta La Vista Baby

after 28 years of headlines such as this, (see below) the WWN is signing off...........


beep beep beeeeeeep beep
beep beep beeeeeeep
beeeeeeep beep beeeeeeep

Oh man, where are we going to go to find out the important stuff? Inquiring minds need to know:)
Totally weird or fake news, with fabulous headlines created to make your grocery line wait tolerable if not educational..

As Larry Williams of the Hartford Courant said…"it’s a sad day for pretend journalism"

or is it?

Friday, August 03, 2007 it the money?

Ding,Dong .....Bo-Hylurox calling

the unsuspecting first time......
I think it's the he-man 'ab cream' he really wants

Thursday, August 02, 2007

What’s that? say

  • Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
  • In the Wizard of OZ Dorothy's last name is Gail. It is shown on the mail box.
  • Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
  • Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
  • According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go at the speed of light
  • Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott".
  • Spencer Eldon was the name of the naked baby on the cover of Nirvana's album
  • In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere
  • The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
  • The last NASCAR driver to serve jail time for running moonshine was Buddy Arrington.
  • St. Augustine was the first major proponent of the "missionary" position.
  • The first video ever played on MTV Europe was "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits.
  • The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
  • If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb), your birthplace was listed as a post office box in Albequerque.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Way way .... long ago

Today is the first day in fifteen years that our rental house sits empty.... I will always love this house, as it represents a major milestone in my life as a single Mom.... Purchased in 1975, it had to be co-signed with my parents, even though I was able to come up with a 30k downpayment. They didn't trust single women buyers so much in those days, plus I had a fairly low paying job. My mortage payment was $278.00 a month, including impounded taxes. I paid off the mortage eighteen years ago.

We drove over to take inventory on maintanence and repairs....and found these vintage photos tacked to the otherwise bare bulletin board on the back porch.

pictures were taken.....sixty-five years ago. What a great thing to have! You cannot tell by the top picture...but that is a dirt road in front of the house. Evidently, a young soldier rented a room back in the WWII era. He stopped by the house on a visit back to our town and dropped by to see how it looked all these years later and brought photos to share.

The house has not seen too many (exterior)changes... But no longer has shutters, I think we need to get some......don't you?

I'll post a current picture as soon as the place is spruced up a little.......

Wicket W. Warrick

Height:.8 meter
Weapon:spear, sling
Vehicle:hang glider
Wicket W. Warrick was a loyal, curious and adventurous young Ewok scout when he first met Princess Leia Organa in the forests of Endor'smoon. The lone Ewok found a strange offworlder knocked unconscious from a speeder bike accident. Tentatively prodding her with his spear, the jittery scout was surprised to find this strange creature not only alive, but friendly as well.
Galactic historians would be surprised to note that this friendship led the way to an alliance that helped overthrow the Empire.

Wicket led Leia to his Ewok village, high in the trees of Endor. There, the Ewok leaders learned of the Galactic Civil War. It wasn't long before the Ewoks pledged their loyalty to the Rebel Alliance, and helped the Rebels in their fight against the Empire. Were it not for the Ewoks, the Rebels would not have been able to infiltrate and destroy the Imperial shield generator complex on Endor. With the generator down, the Alliance Fleet was able to penetrate the second Death Star's superstructure and destroy the station

Okay, it's true........ I don't have much to write about today
BTW Dan.... if you're reading this.... THIS guy should be your butler.... not big foot. You could 'throw over empires!'.... and hide in trees and stuff