We the beleaguered …besieged and harassed….

Madame x lives in a nice neighborhood…. Not too fancy, not gated, no rolling lawns, but well kept and generally desired. It is a typical planned development with tract housing….. When Madame x’s husband got the brilliant idea to get married, luck befell them and their names mysteriously jumped to the very top of the waiting list for the very best house in the whole entire tract (about to begin construction). Madame x and husband were able to oversee all the details and soon happily moved into their new abode.

Enter the neighbors…. Across the street, the retired couple (way before WE were the retired couple)…. I refer to him as ‘Buttsniff’…. Because Buttsniff encouraged his Buttsniffing dogs to come over to our lawn to do their buttsniffing pooping……. I don’t know this for a fact, but there is no changing Madame x’s mind.

Next to Buttsniff, lived the “Diva and the Wimp” , She was the Diva because that actually was her real name, Deva… (no sh.t!) and the Wimp because he groveled around her like some kind of houseman and yammered his troubles to anyone within earshot. Soon the Diva tired of the Wimp and divorced him and they all moved away. That was it for awhile, until the neighbor on the other side of ‘Buttsniff’ filled his garage to capacity and not wanting to litter up his driveway, started parking his car in front of Madame x’s house…. For some reason, this chaps Madame x’s ass, so she has begun calling him Buttsniff also. Now, Madame x’s husband (who is not disturbed in the least by any of this) is confused about whom Madame x is referring when she is muttering profanities about Buttsniff.

The cruelest blow came upon Madame x’s retirement…. It seems the neighbors behind us have adopted two new dogs. Little yapping –excited-yapping –nervous- pacing- yapping dingo looking dogs. Any.little.noise.sets.these.psycho.circus canines into a frenzy of frantic barking….and it goes on and on and on for.ever. It is a good thing Madame x is leaving town and has a chance to become calmed and well rested before dealing with the ‘the owners of the dingo dogs’. Because, deal….she will.


Over the years, Madame x has learned many lessons in patience and good-will, she has strived to over-look minor annoyances and pet-peeves in order to maintain this good will and excellent rapport with the soon to be teenagers and their respective parents.

As Madame x’s husband reminds her (constantly) “We will set an example of good neighbor(ly) living”. And so, we do.

Inhale pink…….
Exhale blue….

Wine Country

Early Friday morning we are headed to Northern CA….via our uber gas-guzzling, non-green, ‘get out m’way’ big ass car. Well, the registration sez it's a truck, but Madame x knows.........it's a car.

It is also pretty darn comfortable driving and we don’t have to go thru a TSA line, half dressed, with six hundred dollars worth of make up crammed into a one quart baggie. Or put up with a surly flight attendant who is sick to death of the job, and the weary masses of demanding souls trying to get to an urgent destination on an overbooked flight.

Madame x has waned of late in accompanying her husband to the races…but she always agrees to this particular race. Smack in the middle of a heavenly little valley of thousand year old stately oak trees and row after row of brand new grapes… The restaurants, the vineyards, the Spas all outdoing each other in excellence…. The weather is delicious and the town folk friendly and accommodating.

I may or may not get a post in tomorrow. If not, I’ll see all you working stiffs in another ten days. At any rate, I’m sending a postcard to this guy while in Calistoga….. Maybe you can send him one from your county.

Tah

Watering Cans and Lawn Ornaments

Another 'toy made in China' is recalled: the Robbie Duckie Watering Can is going off the shelf..

Madame x mutters to herself "these suckers should have been recalled for the blatant ugliness ".

Madame x's husband reminds her of the Lawn Goose ornament story. Whereas, Madame x and her husband wandered about the Iowa countryside and marveled at all the cement garden geese, dressed in real clothing folks!.... Every type of garb a goose could imagine.. But, alas it was race season in Knoxville, Iowa.

The majority of these cement statuettes were dressed in black & white checkered bikini's......topped with a modest sunbonnet. Stopping in a charming little antique store, the proprietor (a lovely woman name Myrna) proudly displayed her most prized items for sale....yes....outfits for your Garden/Lawn Goose. Madame x would have documentation of this fact, had her computer not crumped last month...all evidencery photos gone. But Mx did find this on line for you. Go Here or Here

take that! ....................................................and............ that!

Upon returning to the lovely bed and breakfast 'home away from home' where a nice couple charged a ( modest fee) for four days .... Madame x lamented to the breakfast group her discovery of these goofy aberrations for sale. Elegant in her ridicule and sarcasm and on a verbal roll, it was a small tap on the knee from Madame x's husband that made her stop mid-sentence. The young wife across the table, 'blurted out "Where exactly is this shop?" So eager to get there, she literally begged her husband to take her immediately, thereby interrupting a fabulous breakfast feast. There was no doubt, Myrna the shopkeeper was going to have a good sales day.

Madame X thought she had since learned tolerance toward all things in the garden. Obviously, Robbie Duckie set off a latent prejudice.

She repents.

So Iowa, Ohio, Indiana.... knock yourselves out...just be safe out there.

Whatever do you mean?

What is happening, that all of a sudden my life is so much busier ...now that I’m retired.... than when I was...not...retired?
When I am the most behind ... with too much to do before leaving town... and I have exactly 15 minutes to get to my destination 20 minutes away
Why is it that , the door bell rings.
Where is it written that I must not politely close the door on the two nice looking young men wearing white short sleeves and black ties... gripping in their ‘eager to share paws’, a copy of the
Wait for it.....
Watchtower Magazine.

Do I pray? (they inquire)
Huh? (I reply)
How do you pray? (they again inquire)
Uh, uh... well lets see........
Dear God, please don’t let there be a chain smoker sitting in front of me at the red neck races this week –end... yeah yeah yeah I mean amen... no wait....

Dear God, please let the black pants I plan to wear to the play next Tues, fit. The ones, I’m NOT trying on because they might not fit.
Yeah that! I mean amen.... no wait

Dear God, never mind the black pants.. Please don’t let a really, really tall guy that moves his head constantly side to side sit in front of me at the play next Tues. hallelujah! I mean amen.

Oh and let there be world peace..... for now and ever.... and I mean amen


so it is written

Worst and Best

We're home briefly (to oversee the rental house repairs and check in on Dad) then on the road again....

This is the worst picture, of all the gazillion pictures I took.. notice the lovely rock...which is in perfect focus.






This...however... is the best picture I took (for so many reasons)

***the weather was freezing *** the entire time



Boat drinks*




Waitress we need twelve more boat drinks

I think we got cabin fever.....Somebody sound the alarm
This photo was taken on the last day of vacation

and I think it is amazingly focused

considering

*song and lyrics courtesy of Jimmy Buffett

Wiedersehen

Madame x goes dark for ten days.... I'd take the laptop, but alas no internet cafes in the great northern wilderness....besides, the beauty booth takes an awful lot of room :)

why bother with beauty supplies, you ask?

Because Madame x's husband was promised serious bribes (of a private and personal nature)
to make up for the wallpaper incident....therefore, Madame x must look her best

Cheers everyone

Wallpaper

Twelve hours peeling off wallpaper ... the damn stuff must have
been put on with Rhino Glue...

I wanted to take a photo of the ensuing mess of water and little
bits of paper debris everywhere, not to mention the sweaty brow
of madame x’s husband... but his
murderous
look gave me pause.

He’d like to get his hands on the asshat that put that stuff all the hell over
the laundry and bathroom walls twenty years ago.




Oh wait.... that was me.